


Up the Duff

by yuletide_archivist



Category: The Invisible Man (TV 2000)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-18
Updated: 2007-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-25 04:34:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1631798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One time where the agents didn't get pregnant, a story in three parts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Up the Duff

**Author's Note:**

> I've played around a little how a pregnancy test works, and how hCG is used in fertility treatments, call it poetic licence in combination with male anatomy not bending itself to suit my fictional pursuits. 
> 
> Written for Jenavira

 

 

_They say that pregnancy is one of the most joyous experiences of your life, that your skin glows, your hair shines, that being pregnant gets your more in touch with nature and your feminine side. Well, I've been pregnant twice, and I'm still waiting for the glow to kick in. They're possibly telling the truth about the hair though, but I've always had excellent hair._

**i. Wherein boundaries need to be established.**

"You know what I don't get about stake-outs; the fact that we sit in a tiny cramped space for four hours, drinking gallons of coffee, so right at the moment something exciting happens, we can't do anything due to our bladder bursting the minute we stand up."

"Not me my friend. Bladder of steel right here." Bobby Hobbes patted his stomach. He glanced briefly at his partner; Darien Fawkes. "Need to go?"

Fawkes shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Yep."

"Go, be quick."

Fawkes was almost of the van, when Hobbes threw something at him. Fawkes fumbled and caught it. "What's this?" He asked.

"Just pee on it."

"Can do."

When Fawkes came back, Bobby was several feet in front of the van and accelerating. Darien did what any good partner would, chucked whatever the hell Bobby had given him over his shoulder, and ran too.

Catching up to his partner, Darien gave him a quick glance, and then pushed himself a little more, he dived at the man Hobbes had been chasing, tackling him to the ground. Hobbes, only a few steps behind, his gun already drawn, reached the two. Aiming his gun at the man's head, he said "Nice work their partner. Cuff him."

Fawkes panted heavily, catching his breath, "I thought you had the cuffs?"

"No I had the cuffs last time, it was your turn to carry them."

"Aww, crap."

Driving back to the Agency, the man tied up with one of Hobbes' shoelaces in the back of the van, Hobbes asked, "What colour did the dipstick turn anyway?"

"The dipstick?"

"The stick you dipped into your pee, ergo the dipstick."

"We have to work on some boundaries man, normal people, who aren't doctors, don't give their friends dipsticks to pee on. Pink."

"Huh."

"Huh? I pee on a stick, and all I get is huh? You could at least tell me what I peed on."

"According to the packet, it was Flora-Jean's Home Pregnancy Test. Congratulations my friend, it appears you're pregnant."

"I'm what?"

"He's what!?" Hobbes and Darien looked into the back of the van, the man, still tied up, looked ashen. "Oh God, I've been arrested by transvestites."

Facing the road again, Darien said, "Technically you haven't been arrested."

"You're being detained for questioning."

"With judicial impunity."

"We would have to read you your rights, if we wanted to arrest you."

"Which takes a lot longer than you think."

"So on the whole, this way is much easier."

"Mainly for us." As an afterthought Darien added "We're not transvestites, my partner is obviously skipping his therapy sessions again, and didn't read the fine print on the test, where it says `For women only.'"

"Bobby Hobbes does not skip mandatory therapy." He paused, "My therapist is on holidays. Have you been gossiping with Eberts behind my back?" He asked accusingly.

"Bobby, would I do that to you?" Darien smiled, "Besides, it's easier to get the information straight from your file, than from Eberts."

**ii. Where our heroes are poked and prodded, and poked some more.**

"No injuries from the mission?" Claire asked

"Just the one; from where Bobby hit me with his coffee lid." Darien answered.

Bobby caught the disapproving look in the Keeper's eyes, "You would have done the same thing my friend." He said defensively.

Claire looked at the tattoo on Darien's wrist "You're well into the green. The rest of the afternoon is all yours."

"Thanks Keep." Darien made a move to get off the chair he was sitting on, but a firm hand on his shoulder kept him seated.

"Not so fast partner."

Claire looked at Hobbes "Is something wrong Bobby?"

Darien rolled his eyes. "It's nothing Keep."

"I was asking Bobby Darien, Bobby?"

"Fawkes was positive on a pregnancy test."

Claire looked confused, "It must have been a false positive. It is impossible for Darien to be testing positive."

"Well he did."

"Bo-bby, I am a man." Darien said, enunciating slowly. "I can not get preg-nant."

"Part-ner, you can turn in-vis-ible." Bobby said, speaking in the same manner. "I'm pretty certain little details, like the lack of a womb, is not getting to stop you from getting knocked up."

Claire pursed her lips, "Bobby's right, your body has had to change to accept the gland, that may have affected your androgens, we will have to run some tests."

"Aww, crap."

Thirty minutes, 7 pregnancy tests, 3 blood tests, and one physical later, Bobby and Darien were playing cards, while Claire was going over the results again.

"These results don't make any sense, I'm getting as many positives, as I am negatives. Maybe we should go over your history, if that doesn't unearth any results, we'll have a soft tissue x-ray done to see if you haven't spontaneously developed a uterus."

" 'Spontaneously developed a uterus' isn't that clutching at straws just a little. Go fish." Fawkes directed the last comment to Hobbes.

"Darien, I only ever have straws when it is with regards to you." Claire picked up a clipboard and a pen. "Some of these questions may be slightly personal, did you want Bobby to leave?"

"Nah."

"No secrets between partners Claire" Hobbes said, handing Fawkes his seven.

"Well, as long as you are okay with it." She cleared her throat "When was the last time you had sexual relations."

"Three months ago, staff Christmas party."

Claire blushed, she still only remembered parts of that night, she wasn't certain who had spiked the punch, the majority of the soft drinks, and the water cooler, but she had her suspicions, especially considering that Darien and Bobby had spent the next three weeks in or near septic tanks. What she did remember was crawling out from between Darien and Bobby, the next morning, in a state of dishabille, to empty her stomach in the toilet. When she was feeling less nauseous, she made her way to what turned out to be Darien's kitchen, where Bobby silently handed her the pot of freshly brewed coffee, and Darien handed her a piece of toast. The both of them looking equally the worse for wear. When conversation had started up, it was about how they thought the Official would react when he found a mirror and saw the black felt tip pen tattoos and they explicitly didn't talk about sharing a bed, or anything in that line of questioning.

"Okay. Have you experienced any changes in your health?"

"Apart from that cold a couple of weeks ago, no." Darien handed his King over to Bobby.

**iii. A conclusion is reached.**

"Alright my friend, pick a card, any card."

Darien picked one from the top, looked at it, and placed it back in the pile.

"Nice try there partner, but no one gets the better of Bobby Hobbes."

"What?" Darien feigned innocence.

"Just put the card you pinched back in the pile, so I can finish this trick."

Darien leant closer to Hobbes, he pulled a card from behind his partner's ear, and placed it in the pile."

Over at the desk, Claire smiled triumphantly. "I think I've worked it out." The boys looked at her, the magic trick forgotten.

"Well don't keep us in suspense Keep, what's the prognosis?"

"Darien, do you still have that nasal spray, I prescribed for you when you had that cold?"

"Sure." He rummaged through his backpack, sitting near the door. Finding itm he chucked at the Keep. "It didn't do very much."

Claire caught it, and walked over to her lab bench. She unscrewed the cap, and filled a pipette with the liquid inside. With her other hand, she placed one of the spare pregnancy tests on the bench, she pipetted a generous drop of the nasal spray onto the pregnancy test, and stepped back, right into Darien and Bobby, who'd been watching over her shoulder.

The boys moved back, after seven tests, they knew the drill. They waited.  
Three to five minutes later the pregnancy test had changed colour.

"I knew it."

"What is it? Am I pregnant or not?"

Claire turned to face the boys, showing them the very pink pregnancy test. "Not pregnant." She smiled.

"But the nasal spray is?" Asked Bobby.

"In a way yes. I think what happened was the pharmacy mixed up some of the scripts. I believe this is an infertility nasal spray, rather than a decongestive. The hCG in the spray is what is tested for in pregnancy test, and because Darien was taking it for a while, it registered in his urine. Giving the positive result." Answered Claire.

"Huh." Darien said. "Though, that still doesn't explain why you thought I was pregnant in the first place." He said to Bobby.

"Partner, you ate three peanut butter and olive sandwiches, and then cried during a movie starring David Bowie. The only other person I've ever seen do that was my sister, who was three months pregnant at the time." He paused, adding as an afterthought. "And they were having a sale on pregnancy tests at Walmarts."

"Fantastic, I wasted an afternoon of my life, because my partner loves a sale, yet you think I'm the feminine one."

"It wasn't completely wasted, you did find out that you were taking fertility drugs. Bobby Hobbes is no girl my friend."

Darien slung an arm around Claire's shoulders, "Are you saying there is something wrong with being a girl Hobbes?"

"There is nothing wrong with being a girl my friend, however Bobby Hobbes would not make a very good one. Pizza?" He slung his arm around Claire's other shoulder.

"And beer?"

"And football."

"Pizza, beer and football. You know being pregnant wouldn't have been that bad. There would be a couple bonuses."

"Eberts would have had a fit filling out the maternity leave papers for one."

"Little Darien Junior running around the place."

"Pfft. Darien Junior? The poor kid wouldn't stand a chance on the playground. Now Bobby the Second, there's a good strong name."

"Bobby the Second? What makes you think you get a choice in naming my hypothetical baby."

"Well your hypothetical baby, is a third mine, so I think I should get some naming rights."

"Men! Your all the same." Darien let go of Claire, to push through the door, into the hallway. Claire and Bobby followed him into the hallway, and into the immediate future, which contained pizza, and a distinct lack of babies.

_It has been said that finding out your pregnant is the most terrifying and joyous experience of your life. To that I'd like to add, that finding out your not may not be the same reaction, but it comes close."_

 


End file.
